Just writing to write. I need to sleep but I need to write to stop my mind from thinking about it. I went on my trip to clear my mind a little. Still not clear. One of those lessons that you take whatever you have with you. Like dont move to escape something, or something like that. It's been hard to sit in front of a keyboard when not at work still. That needs to end so I can get some stuff done though.
Most of my life when I wanted things to be different and I would sit down and write about what I needed to do next or better, it was funny. If I sat down and really worked out my thoughts, it always came down to one word, work. I never put the work in to get what I wanted, never concentrated to get the grades, to be better at talking to people, learning Math, whatever it was. I sat down now and work wasn't the final answer to the problem. It's balance. Nice to know I got over a life long hurdle at least. I found my groove to work, to put my head down and get something done. But I go to far and balance is the next thing I need to find. The new goals I have set for myself are very high. To meed them I will need discipline, and a balance I don't know now.
I'll work on some of that this weekend. For now I'm still sick and I need to sleep. Going on vacation didn't refill the writing well I needed it to. For me personally and at work. The work part cant fail. Maybe the actual doing of my personal stuff will renew that. After all, no matter where I go, i take that burden with me. No vacation from that.
Friday, December 05, 2008
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your burden comment reminded me of one of my favorite Uncle Wally poems. I paste it here for you because it's beautiful, because it reminds me of the distance I have traveled and the changes I've made, but also of the journey ahead. I think while you struggle to find some kind of balance it's helpful to know that if you find it- it will be fleeting, as nothing is permanent and unchanging. We get to practice at life. I hope the knowledge that you are and always have been an active practitioner of life brings you comfort, for now at least.
AFOOT and light-hearted, I take to the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before me,
The long brown path before me, leading wherever I choose.
Henceforth I ask not good-fortune—I myself am good fortune;
Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing,
Strong and content, I travel the open road.
The earth—that is sufficient;
I do not want the constellations any nearer;
I know they are very well where they are;
I know they suffice for those who belong to them.
(Still here I carry my old delicious burdens;
I carry them, men and women—I carry them with me wherever I go;
I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them;
I am fill’d with them, and I will fill them in return.)
-walt whitman
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